Yesterday was our first day back from a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend in warm, sunny Florida, and North Carolina welcomed us back with a vengeance: it poured all day long. In the morning, desperate to get four cranky kids out of the house, I headed for the Health Adventure, a kind of children's museum that recently relocated to a mall near our home. (I use the term "children's museum" grudgingly, since when I was a child, even the word museum made me grumpy with tired feet.) I had just bought a year's pass, anticipating lots of cold, wet winter days cooped up inside with four kids, and I wanted to get a good start on getting my money's worth. I pulled into the parking lot already despairing. The rain showed no signs of letting up, and I saw no way of unloading all four kids and shepherding them safely inside without drenching everyone in the process.
"I don't want to go in there!" Clayton piped up from the backseat. He was just being grumpy and oppositional, but for once I agreed. "I don't either," I said, pulling back out onto the road.
Instead, we headed for the mall across town, where there is a covered parking deck and an elevator that deposits you, conveniently, right near the kids' playground in the middle of the food court, not to mention the handicap access button that automatically opens the double doors.
Twenty minutes later all four kids are playing on the kiddie playground. Dee Dee, especially, is in heaven. There's a soft, padded bridge that she climbs up and then slides down again and again, oblivious of the older kids who narrowly miss her as they race by. Clayton is chasing a couple of older girls who seem to have generously incorporated him into their game, although when they put their hands together for a "team work" cheer and tell him to do the same, he starts up with the baby talk he falls back on whenever he's unsure of what to say. Even Sylvia gets in on the action, cruising around on the play structures and even venturing into the little play house on her own. I sit on the bench that encloses the playground and take a deep breath. Dee Dee beams at me from the top of the bridge before careening down onto the padded floor, and I am struck, not for the first time, by how perfect this place is for still-crawling, year-old babies-- not to mention their older brother-- on a rainy Monday.
I must admit it: having three kids has given me an unexpected appreciation of many things that I might once, in my younger, determined-to-be-out-of-the-mainstream days, have scorned or scoffed at. Malls (and their playgrounds), drive-thrus, McDonald's, television, individually packaged cheese crackers, frozen pizzas, minivans, free kids' popcorn at the grocery store.... All of these things I have (with greater or lesser degrees of reluctance) embraced in the past year. I know that it is indeed possible to raise kids without any of those things, as my sister's family is living proof. I have found that I am not so principled.
The minivan was probably the hardest. My first thought when I found out I was pregnant was twins was "Oh no! We'll have to get a bigger car!" Still, I was in denial until just a few weeks before the girls were born. I insisted that the Prius was a five-passenger car, and tried my best to wrestle all three carseats into the back, even after the trained fireman had given up. It was Clayton who finally convinced me it wasn't going to work. He looked at the infant carseat I'd installed next to his, gave it a practice "whumph" with his foot, and announced, "Kick baby!"
I won't go so far as to say I love our minivan, but I'm the first to admit that it gets the job done. Triple stroller and two tricycles? No problem. Fool-hardy, exhausting, unforgettable camping trip to West Virginia? Room to spare. Lumber for the tree fort Don built in the backyard? It can do it all. I just try to avoid looking at the miles-per-gallon readout above the rear view mirror and instead enjoy the fact that even when Clayton is at his most antagonistic, I can get all the kids safely buckled in and leave them for a minute while I put the dogs out or make sure I've packed enough diapers without worrying about anyone getting kicked.
And drive-thrus? I don't think I even have to explain. Soon after the twins were born, when unloading three kids for even the simplest errands was still new to me, I wanted drive-thrus everywhere. I seriously considered pulling up to the pharmacy drive-thru to ask for a gallon of milk and some peanuts. Clayton's a quick study. Now if we pull up to the drive-up ATM at the bank, he'll sometimes say, "I want a blueberry bagel!" or "I want a Munchkin!"
Don't worry, I'm not going to itemize my new-found enjoyment of all the items on my "newly appreciated" list. But I will say that yesterday afternoon, when the rain had still not let up and the afternoon grumpiness had set in full force, I didn't hesitate before taking them all to "Old McDonald's," as Clayton (and now Townes) calls it. I parked next to the door, somehow maneuvered Dee Dee into the Ergo while still in the car (another point for the minivan!), and got everyone inside without even Clayton complaining about getting wet. For Halloween, Clayton's school had given each of the kids a McDonald's coupon for a free ice cream cone. I troop inside with Dee Dee on my back, Sylvia in my arms, and Clayton and Townes still holding hands while they stare at the Happy Meal toys on display and beg intermittently for ice cream. I hand over my free coupon and ask if they can split the free cone into two cups. The cashier looks skeptical but the manager nods; I take my two free ice creams in my one free hand and herd the boys back to the playground.
"Yummy dummy in my tummy!" Clayton mimics his dad while scarfing his ice cream. Townes is actually using a spoon to eat his, albeit upside down. (When I first started taking care of Townes, he ate even ice-cream with his fingers.) Sylvia climbs up the steps to the toddler slide and sits in the covered area at the top, grinning and bobbing her head at every kid who passes until her brother "helps" her go down the slide face first. Even Dee Dee, who has taken an uncharacteristically short nap today, rallies when she sees the slide. The minutes until four o'clock pass surprisingly quickly.
I'm sure we won't be going to McDonald's this often forever. I'd still rather be at an outdoor park than in the middle of a food court, and I am planning to make my own kids suffer the same "no television on school days" rule that my siblings and I survived as children, once we'd outgrown Sesame Street and Mister Rogers. One day--maybe-- I'll even start making my own pizza dough instead of cramming the freezer with whatever frozen pizzas are on sale. But for now I'll freely admit I'm parenting by cracker. I'm not ashamed of the stash I've hidden in the glove compartment of the minivan, ready to placate fussing babies and bribe uncooperative little boys. And the other day, while I pushed the double stroller through the mall and Townes and Clayton sprinted ahead, pointing at everything-- the fountain, a dog wrapped in strands of tinsel, a window display of fake presents-- both yelling "Ook, Mama!" with genuine excitement, well, I don't think I've enjoyed the mall so much since the seventh grade.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Worst Feeling in the World
Don has taught Clayton to play Hide and Seek. Don covers his eyes and counts to ten, and Clayton scurries, giggling, into the kitchen cabinet which Dee Dee has taught him is a fun place to hide. It is the only place he ever hides, even when Don tries to show him some other options.
"Find me!" he yells from inside the cabinet, and Don makes a show of looking for him. It is very, very cute.
On Friday night the two of them were playing after the girls had gone to bed; I had just sat down at the kitchen table with the New Yorker after a long week of childcare. Don hid behind the kids' bathroom door, and when Clayton found him, he shrieked with laughter. I held my breath, and sure enough, seconds later Dee Dee started crying. I should have left her, I wish I'd left her-- she is pretty good at going to sleep herself. But I was worried she would wake Sylvia, who is not so good, so I brought Dee Dee out to the living room. I held her for a while, but she seemed content to crawl and play, so I sat down again, thinking I'd give her a few minutes before trying to put her down again.
Suddenly, she was screaming. When I looked up, she was holding on, with one hand, to the screen that surrounds the wood-burning stove. The screen gets warm, but never hot, and my first thought was that something must have made her mad. She is a determined climber, and is easily infuriated when the world is not immediately accessible to her. But no-- my worst fears about the stove had just been realized. She had somehow managed to touch the stove, although the screen was still in place and she was on the safe side of it. I scooped her up and looked at her hands, and, oh God, there it was-- an awful white stripe down her index finger and another white oval on the fingertip of her middle finger. I rushed her to the kitchen sink and ran cool water from the hose over her hand while she ate a graham cracker with the other. Like that, she was all right-- my brave little girl-- but when we attempted to bandage her hand, she started wailing again.
Do I even need to describe how awful I felt? My baby in pain, from something I could have prevented but could not undo. My worst fears of parenting are medical disasters. Even before I had given birth to my children, I was already dreading the midnight trips to the emergency room, the 105 degree fevers that wouldn't subside, the freak accidents. What if I didn't do the right thing? What if I was paralyzed with fear? My worst childhood memory is when my thirteen-year-old older sister came home early from a weekend at Girl Scout camp. She couldn't pee, and the leaders had encouraged her to drink cup after cup of water, thinking, perhaps, that my sister (of all people!) just had qualms about peeing in the woods. She was in agony, writhing around on her bedroom floor. It turned out she had a three and a half pound ovarian cyst which was blocking her urethra. She is fine--even with only one ovary she quickly conceived her two sons--, and I wonder if the memory of those moments before my parents took her to the hospital haunt her as they haunt me. I was eleven at the time, and my sense of powerlessness in the face of my sister's suffering has never left me.
Two burned fingers are not, I know, a medical emergency. Still, I was tempted to take Dee Dee to the emergency room, mostly out of selfishness. I wanted someone else to be responsible for taking care of her pain. I wanted to follow orders from a professional, not decide myself what we should do. Dee Dee pulled at the bandage with her good hand, ripped at it with her new teeth. "Get this thing off of me!" she screamed. I couldn't tell anymore if her cries were from the pain of the burn, anger at the indignity of the bandage, or exhaustion at being up past her bedtime; probably, it was a combination of all three. We gave her the baby ibuprofen that I'd recently bought for teething pain, but she spit out most of the first dose. When I lay down to nurse her in bed, hoping to coax her to sleep, she opened her mouth against my nipple and howled, writhing away from me in the bed. I tried nursing her in the rocker in her room, but Sylvia stirred and whimpered in her bed when she heard her sister's screams. I paced with her in the bedroom, singing endless rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle," but she would not be consoled. In desperation I tried lying her down in her Pack-n-Play in our room, hoping she would soon cry herself to sleep.
"We'll give her ten minutes," Don said, but after five, or three, I went back in. She had pulled the bandage most of the way off her hand. Only the tape was still attached. I knew the burn probably hurt more exposed to the air, but I was almost relieved to have it off, since it clearly pissed her off so much. I tried the rocker again, called for Don to take Sylvia when she woke. I rocked, patted, sang, nursed, rocked, patted, sang, nursed... After a while, the screaming stopped, although her little body still jolted rhythmically in my arms with silent, gasping sobs. When she had finally quieted, I rocked her still, holding her close.
Again, words won't really do the feeling justice. There is no worse feeling than not having protected my babies from pain, unless it is not being able to console them. With Dee Dee finally asleep in my arms, I felt overcome with relief, tenderness, concern. I wanted to hold her forever, wanted there never to be a time when she would not fit so securely in my arms, would not find such comfort in my breast, my presence, my love.
I finally lay her down. She stirred but didn't wake, and I went out to find Don playing with Sylvia on the couch. My breasts felt deflated and empty, but I took Sylvia to bed to nurse anyway, taking comfort in the ease with which I could comfort her, the familiar feel of her body, pain-free, against mine.
In the middle of the night, Sylvia woke again, and although we have been trying, a little, to limit the number of night nursings, that night I felt only tenderness when I brought her to my breast. This time, when the comfort I can offer is so complete, is fleeting, and that night it felt far more precious than a night of uninterrupted sleep.
Usually I take Sylvia back to her crib once she has nursed. We both sleep better, and longer, when in our own beds. But over an hour had passed when I woke again to find her still beside me, her head lodged securely in my armpit, her body pressed against mine. She sighed when I lifted her and carried her back to bed, only stirring slightly when I lay her in her crib. Dee Dee still slept peacefully, bottom in the air; she hadn't moved, it seemed, since I lay her down, and I felt a surge of love for both my sleeping little girls.
I tiptoed past Clayton's room, and it seemed to me that my love for my children emanated from me, that it was a physical presence that permeated the very air they breathed. In the living room, my old dog Dulce lay stretched out on the bed near our door. She didn't stir as I passed, and I felt relief that in sleep she, too, was safe from the relentless pain of the lump on her head.
I climbed back in bed, the sheets still warm, and curled up against Don. I would have done anything to protect Dee Dee from that suffering, to have spent a normal evening in front of the fire, watching the West Wing with Don and eating ice cream. But Dee Dee would be okay, I knew, and, in the quiet of the night, I felt content, grateful for how safe they all were in sleep, blessed by how my immense love for them all could fill the night.
"Find me!" he yells from inside the cabinet, and Don makes a show of looking for him. It is very, very cute.
On Friday night the two of them were playing after the girls had gone to bed; I had just sat down at the kitchen table with the New Yorker after a long week of childcare. Don hid behind the kids' bathroom door, and when Clayton found him, he shrieked with laughter. I held my breath, and sure enough, seconds later Dee Dee started crying. I should have left her, I wish I'd left her-- she is pretty good at going to sleep herself. But I was worried she would wake Sylvia, who is not so good, so I brought Dee Dee out to the living room. I held her for a while, but she seemed content to crawl and play, so I sat down again, thinking I'd give her a few minutes before trying to put her down again.
Suddenly, she was screaming. When I looked up, she was holding on, with one hand, to the screen that surrounds the wood-burning stove. The screen gets warm, but never hot, and my first thought was that something must have made her mad. She is a determined climber, and is easily infuriated when the world is not immediately accessible to her. But no-- my worst fears about the stove had just been realized. She had somehow managed to touch the stove, although the screen was still in place and she was on the safe side of it. I scooped her up and looked at her hands, and, oh God, there it was-- an awful white stripe down her index finger and another white oval on the fingertip of her middle finger. I rushed her to the kitchen sink and ran cool water from the hose over her hand while she ate a graham cracker with the other. Like that, she was all right-- my brave little girl-- but when we attempted to bandage her hand, she started wailing again.
Do I even need to describe how awful I felt? My baby in pain, from something I could have prevented but could not undo. My worst fears of parenting are medical disasters. Even before I had given birth to my children, I was already dreading the midnight trips to the emergency room, the 105 degree fevers that wouldn't subside, the freak accidents. What if I didn't do the right thing? What if I was paralyzed with fear? My worst childhood memory is when my thirteen-year-old older sister came home early from a weekend at Girl Scout camp. She couldn't pee, and the leaders had encouraged her to drink cup after cup of water, thinking, perhaps, that my sister (of all people!) just had qualms about peeing in the woods. She was in agony, writhing around on her bedroom floor. It turned out she had a three and a half pound ovarian cyst which was blocking her urethra. She is fine--even with only one ovary she quickly conceived her two sons--, and I wonder if the memory of those moments before my parents took her to the hospital haunt her as they haunt me. I was eleven at the time, and my sense of powerlessness in the face of my sister's suffering has never left me.
Two burned fingers are not, I know, a medical emergency. Still, I was tempted to take Dee Dee to the emergency room, mostly out of selfishness. I wanted someone else to be responsible for taking care of her pain. I wanted to follow orders from a professional, not decide myself what we should do. Dee Dee pulled at the bandage with her good hand, ripped at it with her new teeth. "Get this thing off of me!" she screamed. I couldn't tell anymore if her cries were from the pain of the burn, anger at the indignity of the bandage, or exhaustion at being up past her bedtime; probably, it was a combination of all three. We gave her the baby ibuprofen that I'd recently bought for teething pain, but she spit out most of the first dose. When I lay down to nurse her in bed, hoping to coax her to sleep, she opened her mouth against my nipple and howled, writhing away from me in the bed. I tried nursing her in the rocker in her room, but Sylvia stirred and whimpered in her bed when she heard her sister's screams. I paced with her in the bedroom, singing endless rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle," but she would not be consoled. In desperation I tried lying her down in her Pack-n-Play in our room, hoping she would soon cry herself to sleep.
"We'll give her ten minutes," Don said, but after five, or three, I went back in. She had pulled the bandage most of the way off her hand. Only the tape was still attached. I knew the burn probably hurt more exposed to the air, but I was almost relieved to have it off, since it clearly pissed her off so much. I tried the rocker again, called for Don to take Sylvia when she woke. I rocked, patted, sang, nursed, rocked, patted, sang, nursed... After a while, the screaming stopped, although her little body still jolted rhythmically in my arms with silent, gasping sobs. When she had finally quieted, I rocked her still, holding her close.
Again, words won't really do the feeling justice. There is no worse feeling than not having protected my babies from pain, unless it is not being able to console them. With Dee Dee finally asleep in my arms, I felt overcome with relief, tenderness, concern. I wanted to hold her forever, wanted there never to be a time when she would not fit so securely in my arms, would not find such comfort in my breast, my presence, my love.
I finally lay her down. She stirred but didn't wake, and I went out to find Don playing with Sylvia on the couch. My breasts felt deflated and empty, but I took Sylvia to bed to nurse anyway, taking comfort in the ease with which I could comfort her, the familiar feel of her body, pain-free, against mine.
In the middle of the night, Sylvia woke again, and although we have been trying, a little, to limit the number of night nursings, that night I felt only tenderness when I brought her to my breast. This time, when the comfort I can offer is so complete, is fleeting, and that night it felt far more precious than a night of uninterrupted sleep.
Usually I take Sylvia back to her crib once she has nursed. We both sleep better, and longer, when in our own beds. But over an hour had passed when I woke again to find her still beside me, her head lodged securely in my armpit, her body pressed against mine. She sighed when I lifted her and carried her back to bed, only stirring slightly when I lay her in her crib. Dee Dee still slept peacefully, bottom in the air; she hadn't moved, it seemed, since I lay her down, and I felt a surge of love for both my sleeping little girls.
I tiptoed past Clayton's room, and it seemed to me that my love for my children emanated from me, that it was a physical presence that permeated the very air they breathed. In the living room, my old dog Dulce lay stretched out on the bed near our door. She didn't stir as I passed, and I felt relief that in sleep she, too, was safe from the relentless pain of the lump on her head.
I climbed back in bed, the sheets still warm, and curled up against Don. I would have done anything to protect Dee Dee from that suffering, to have spent a normal evening in front of the fire, watching the West Wing with Don and eating ice cream. But Dee Dee would be okay, I knew, and, in the quiet of the night, I felt content, grateful for how safe they all were in sleep, blessed by how my immense love for them all could fill the night.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
The Really Hard Stuff
I'm realizing that it's easy for me to write about the physical and logistical challenges of taking care of three (plus) kids. The good times, the shining moments-- those are easy, too. It's the truly hard stuff that is much more difficult to get down. Is it because I'm afraid of seeming weak? Is it because, having decided to do this, I feel determined, or like I should be determined, to only see the best of it?
After a recent blog post, I was criticized for glorifying my own heroics (I paraphrase). The post was, I thought, self-deprecating-- I had just finished Tina Fey's Bossypants and have the annoying habit of adopting the tone of whatever author I'm reading-- and at first I was amazed, hurt, and a little angry that I could be so misread. Now I've started to wonder. Maybe by writing about how I muscle through the tough moments I do risk inadvertently portraying myself as some kind of "super mama." I admit that there are some strengths I bring to this work, primarily a certain amount of pure physical strength and endurance, combined with a determination to try to do things well. But mostly I feel like I just do what I have to. I have three little kids and a temperament that won't let me hide out at home, which wouldn't make the challenges any less difficult, I'm sure, but would make them more private.
There are challenges, though, that I don't feel like I'm surmounting all that gracefully, and they're much more complicated than making it to (and through) story time without anyone breaking down. Mostly, they leave me feeling empty and inadequate and worried, not "amazing" at all. What would it be like to write those things down? I want to know, so here goes.
Still, my general malaise this week hasn't really been because of hair pulling, struggles over quiet time, or the fact that Dee Dee has only to look at me--and realize I'm not holding her-- to burst into tears. It's that underlying everything is the question, "What am I doing?" I feel so bored. I unload the dishwasher, round up the laundry, clean up the kitchen, tidy up the toys, make quesadillas and frozen peas... all ad infinitum. There's not much satisfaction because it doesn't stay done. This week I made up little jobs that would give me some sense of accomplishment: scrubbing the microwave, cleaning the high chair that the girls insist on climbing out of so that I can pass it along without too much embarrassment. Little errands, like buying Clayton some pants at Goodwill, at least make me feel like I've done something. I know that all this is part and parcel of my decision to stay home. I even know that one reason I made this decision was so that weekends and evenings wouldn't be consumed by all the menial chores that we couldn't get to during the work week. And that is true, to a degree-- I do manage to make dinner most days before Don gets home--, but sometimes it just seems that there wouldn't be so much housework if we weren't all home so damn much.
On Thursday I pretty much went all day without speaking to another adult. I made some small talk when I bought eggs at the local produce stand and asked Clayton's teacher, "Did he have a good day?" but that was it. The girls were in their seats eating spinach and scrambled eggs when I saw my neighbor out on the street with her kids. It was all I could do not to grab them out of their seats, bundle them up, find their shoes, and lug them both down the hill just for a few moments of conversation with a friend. By four-thirty I was already counting the minutes until Don came home. When he called at four-forty-five to say he'd be home closer to six instead of five thirty-- called just like I had asked him to-- it almost broke my heart. I'm irritable when he gets home-- I'm hungry, bored, lonely-- and that only makes it worse. I'm desperate for connection; he's just come home from a long day to a wife who's pissy and resentful over twenty-five measly minutes. I see him rough-housing with a giggling Clayton and wonder if I've laughed like that with my children today. I think of all those moms who say they're better parents for not staying home, and I have a moment of self-doubt. Would Don and I be better if we were both working, both living the same kind of challenges? Would I appreciate my children more? Would I be happier?
Those moments of doubt pass, the clouds lift, my mood shifts. There are a hundred reasons everyday that I'm glad to be doing this. Sometimes when one of his sisters is crying, Clayton will say, "It's okay, Dee Dee. Mama's right here," and I think my heart's going to overflow with all my blessings. I'm glad that mine are the legs that the girls pull up on countless times a day, no matter how difficult it makes it to get anything done. I'm glad I'm there to see my contemplative Sylvia try to put the lids on the empty bubble bottles, to spot my adventurous Dee Dee as she climbs the stairs. And I'm glad to be sharing it all with Clayton. "Ook, Mama!" he says often. "She's standing up! She's doing it!"
This week we went to Clayton's first Play-n-Learn, a preschool class for kids who aren't enrolled in preschool. Even though it is all I can do to keep the girls at bay while helping Clayton with his crafts and activities, watching him find his place in the circle to sing "The Bear Went Over the Mountain" and watch the puppet show, seeing him struggling with the finger puppets... These are the moments I need to hang onto when I'm unloading the dishwasher yet again. For one of the activities, the kids in Clayton's class are supposed to sort a baggie of toy animals onto a picture of either a forest or a farm. Clayton gets every one right, and I can feel myself beaming with pride, even though no one is watching but me. Then he pulls the eagle out of the bag. "Does the eagle live in the forest or on the farm?" I prompt. He holds the eagle in the air above both pictures. At first I think he's just hesitating, not sure, and then I get it. "That's right!" I laugh, and I want to pull him to me and never let go.
The girls are figuring out the world. When Dee Dee got a hold of my cell phone the other day, she held it up next to her head. When Sylvia plays with her shoes, she holds them down next to her feet, like she knows what to do with them. I told Don about it while I was brushing my teeth. "You notice all those little things about them," Don said, "since you're with them so much." I don't think he could have said a kinder thing if he'd meant to.
I recently had a conversation with another mom whom I know only peripherally and hadn't seen in some time. We marvelled at how big each other's children were, and I remarked that other people's kids seem to grow up even faster than one's own. "Yes," she agreed, and added, far more insightfully,"and it always seems easier for other people." I think of how people who see me with my kids will tell me "You're amazing," or "You're my inspiration." Of course that's nice to hear, but it can also make me feel a little fake, like I'm wearing a "Super Mama" costume for everyone to see when inside I'm the same jumble of conflicting emotions, insecurities, and exhaustion as any other mom. There are highs, and there are lows, and there are acres of mind-numbing boredom in between. It can be amazing or awful, often in the course of several minutes. Writing about it, I don't want to glorify it (or, God forbid, myself) and I certainly don't mean to complain. But the hard stuff matters, too, and I want to be real. I want to try to tell the truth.
After a recent blog post, I was criticized for glorifying my own heroics (I paraphrase). The post was, I thought, self-deprecating-- I had just finished Tina Fey's Bossypants and have the annoying habit of adopting the tone of whatever author I'm reading-- and at first I was amazed, hurt, and a little angry that I could be so misread. Now I've started to wonder. Maybe by writing about how I muscle through the tough moments I do risk inadvertently portraying myself as some kind of "super mama." I admit that there are some strengths I bring to this work, primarily a certain amount of pure physical strength and endurance, combined with a determination to try to do things well. But mostly I feel like I just do what I have to. I have three little kids and a temperament that won't let me hide out at home, which wouldn't make the challenges any less difficult, I'm sure, but would make them more private.
There are challenges, though, that I don't feel like I'm surmounting all that gracefully, and they're much more complicated than making it to (and through) story time without anyone breaking down. Mostly, they leave me feeling empty and inadequate and worried, not "amazing" at all. What would it be like to write those things down? I want to know, so here goes.
* * *
Sylvia loves to pull hair. It was kind of cute when she was smaller and immobile. Clayton would put his head in her lap and she'd grab his hair in her little hands and he'd pull away easily, smiling at his infant sister. Now it's just annoying. Dee Dee will be playing happily or lying on her back screaming and Sylvia will crawl up to her, grab a couple of fistfuls of hair, and laugh. "No, Sylvia!" I say countless times a day, and "Uh, Sylvia, you're such a pain!" I don't worry that I'm scarring her for life; she doesn't understand me yet. But Clayton does. Yesterday he said," I don't like Sylvia!" This could be just three-year old-blabber--there is absolutely no filter between his brain and his mouth-- but I wonder. Clayton seems to have a special bond with Dee Dee; do I reinforce that by vocalizing my irritation with his other sister? I expect him to get annoyed by the girls--especially now, when they're into absolutely everything-- but I want him to get annoyed with them uniformly. I certainly don't want any preference he might have to be fueled by me making my frustrations known. * * *
I didn't expect to write that. I think that was kind of a baby step in the direction of airing the things I really worry about, the things that get me down. Another (bigger?) baby step is my continual angst about Clayton's "quiet time." He hasn't actually slept during "quiet time" for months, but I insist he takes it anyway. Partly because it seems like a good idea for him, mostly because I want the momentary break it gives me. The only leverage I have to coerce him into it is his videos. He knows the "rules:" no quiet time in his bed, no videos. But two days this week he was adamant in his refusal, so "quiet" time consisted of twenty minutes of book reading and negotiation followed by thirty minutes of screaming and door banging. It was restful for neither of us--my stomach was clenched the entire time, waiting for his theatrics to wake Sylvia asleep a few feet away-- and I wondered, for the umpteenth time, what am I doing this for? Sometimes it feels like insisting on a quiet time is more stressful than doing without those thirty minutes sans Clay would be, since I rarely get that time to myself, anyway. Often the worse days are school days, when he clearly needs the rest the most. He begs to watch his videos, tells me he slept at school, he slept in the car, he slept on the ceiling... I can see how desperate he is to turn his brain off for a while, so that even the prospect of being in his bed, reading or playing quietly, is too much for him to handle. So, instead of a peaceful hour of Bugs Bunny or Scooby Doo when I may get a minute to check my email or make dinner, I get a hysterical child throwing himself against his door, and me sick of myself for how, even after three years, figuring out naps or the lack of them can wind me up, piss me off, and stress me out so much. Still, my general malaise this week hasn't really been because of hair pulling, struggles over quiet time, or the fact that Dee Dee has only to look at me--and realize I'm not holding her-- to burst into tears. It's that underlying everything is the question, "What am I doing?" I feel so bored. I unload the dishwasher, round up the laundry, clean up the kitchen, tidy up the toys, make quesadillas and frozen peas... all ad infinitum. There's not much satisfaction because it doesn't stay done. This week I made up little jobs that would give me some sense of accomplishment: scrubbing the microwave, cleaning the high chair that the girls insist on climbing out of so that I can pass it along without too much embarrassment. Little errands, like buying Clayton some pants at Goodwill, at least make me feel like I've done something. I know that all this is part and parcel of my decision to stay home. I even know that one reason I made this decision was so that weekends and evenings wouldn't be consumed by all the menial chores that we couldn't get to during the work week. And that is true, to a degree-- I do manage to make dinner most days before Don gets home--, but sometimes it just seems that there wouldn't be so much housework if we weren't all home so damn much.
On Thursday I pretty much went all day without speaking to another adult. I made some small talk when I bought eggs at the local produce stand and asked Clayton's teacher, "Did he have a good day?" but that was it. The girls were in their seats eating spinach and scrambled eggs when I saw my neighbor out on the street with her kids. It was all I could do not to grab them out of their seats, bundle them up, find their shoes, and lug them both down the hill just for a few moments of conversation with a friend. By four-thirty I was already counting the minutes until Don came home. When he called at four-forty-five to say he'd be home closer to six instead of five thirty-- called just like I had asked him to-- it almost broke my heart. I'm irritable when he gets home-- I'm hungry, bored, lonely-- and that only makes it worse. I'm desperate for connection; he's just come home from a long day to a wife who's pissy and resentful over twenty-five measly minutes. I see him rough-housing with a giggling Clayton and wonder if I've laughed like that with my children today. I think of all those moms who say they're better parents for not staying home, and I have a moment of self-doubt. Would Don and I be better if we were both working, both living the same kind of challenges? Would I appreciate my children more? Would I be happier?
Those moments of doubt pass, the clouds lift, my mood shifts. There are a hundred reasons everyday that I'm glad to be doing this. Sometimes when one of his sisters is crying, Clayton will say, "It's okay, Dee Dee. Mama's right here," and I think my heart's going to overflow with all my blessings. I'm glad that mine are the legs that the girls pull up on countless times a day, no matter how difficult it makes it to get anything done. I'm glad I'm there to see my contemplative Sylvia try to put the lids on the empty bubble bottles, to spot my adventurous Dee Dee as she climbs the stairs. And I'm glad to be sharing it all with Clayton. "Ook, Mama!" he says often. "She's standing up! She's doing it!"
This week we went to Clayton's first Play-n-Learn, a preschool class for kids who aren't enrolled in preschool. Even though it is all I can do to keep the girls at bay while helping Clayton with his crafts and activities, watching him find his place in the circle to sing "The Bear Went Over the Mountain" and watch the puppet show, seeing him struggling with the finger puppets... These are the moments I need to hang onto when I'm unloading the dishwasher yet again. For one of the activities, the kids in Clayton's class are supposed to sort a baggie of toy animals onto a picture of either a forest or a farm. Clayton gets every one right, and I can feel myself beaming with pride, even though no one is watching but me. Then he pulls the eagle out of the bag. "Does the eagle live in the forest or on the farm?" I prompt. He holds the eagle in the air above both pictures. At first I think he's just hesitating, not sure, and then I get it. "That's right!" I laugh, and I want to pull him to me and never let go.
The girls are figuring out the world. When Dee Dee got a hold of my cell phone the other day, she held it up next to her head. When Sylvia plays with her shoes, she holds them down next to her feet, like she knows what to do with them. I told Don about it while I was brushing my teeth. "You notice all those little things about them," Don said, "since you're with them so much." I don't think he could have said a kinder thing if he'd meant to.
I recently had a conversation with another mom whom I know only peripherally and hadn't seen in some time. We marvelled at how big each other's children were, and I remarked that other people's kids seem to grow up even faster than one's own. "Yes," she agreed, and added, far more insightfully,"and it always seems easier for other people." I think of how people who see me with my kids will tell me "You're amazing," or "You're my inspiration." Of course that's nice to hear, but it can also make me feel a little fake, like I'm wearing a "Super Mama" costume for everyone to see when inside I'm the same jumble of conflicting emotions, insecurities, and exhaustion as any other mom. There are highs, and there are lows, and there are acres of mind-numbing boredom in between. It can be amazing or awful, often in the course of several minutes. Writing about it, I don't want to glorify it (or, God forbid, myself) and I certainly don't mean to complain. But the hard stuff matters, too, and I want to be real. I want to try to tell the truth.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Reaching Out
A friend of mine who is pregnant recently remarked to me that colleagues who had never spoken a word to her before now stop her to chat in the halls. "I understand," she said. "Creating another human being is miraculous. And now I'm 'part of the club.' But isn't there some other common ground?" I understood what she meant, remembered how, when I was pregnant, every conversation seemed to begin or end with "How are you feeling?" or "When are you due?" There does seem to be something about the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth that allows people to reach out to total strangers (sometimes too literally-- Can I touch your belly?) in a way that they ordinarily wouldn't.
I never hear "How are you feeling?" now, and at times I sort of miss those days of pregnancy, before all the concern and questions shifted to the babies. I admire women so much who eschew the medicalization of childbirth and have their babies at home, but to tell the truth, I kind of liked the hospital. Sure, they wake you up every couple of hours to check your vitals unnecessarily, but it is also the culmination of concern for you, the mom. I wanted someone to bring me meals on a tray and take away the dishes afterwards. I wanted the attention, however medicalized, of the midwives’ post-partum visits, the lactation specialists, the nurses, the pediatricians. I wanted someone to take away my babies for whatever test or shot and bring them back to me cozily swaddled and fast asleep.
Now "How are you feeling?" has been thoroughly replaced by "You really have your hands full!" That statement is so ubiquitous that you’d think by now, after over a year of hearing it on virtually every outing, I’d be sick of it. (The girls are only eleven months, but even before they were born, I was often informed "You’re really going to have your hands full!" by total strangers, as if I wasn't scared enough.) And although I am sometimes bored by the lack of originality of the comment, I never actually tire of hearing it. Partly, I think that’s because I appreciate the acknowledgement that I’m doing something that’s difficult and that others recognize that fact. When I was running my one and only marathon, I certainly never tired of hearing the cheers of complete strangers, although "Way to go!" and "You’re doing great!" are hardly any less cliche. Mostly, though, I feel grateful for the way in which my handful of kids allows people to reach out, to breach the space that separates us. Without them, every passing raises questions: make eye contact or not? say hi or not? respond to "How’s it going?" or just accept it as a rhetorical greeting? Too often it seems that we live in a society in which even a simple greeting can seem an invasion of someone’s privacy.
There used to be an assistant principal at the school where I worked who would walk right by a teacher in the halls without any kind of greeting or acknowledgement. Since my state of mind around my superiors seems to be perpetually stuck in the third grade, I felt constantly on edge around her, worrying that I was in trouble. On the other hand, my best friend in high school prided herself on unfailingly greeting passersby, whenever and wherever. She'd be neck and neck with a competitor in a cross country race and would still call out a cheerful "Hi!" if a recreational jogger happened to be passing by. Clearly, context is everything. What works in Piedmont, Alabama at a McDonalds at five in the morning wouldn't pass muster, I'm sure, on a New York City sidewalk. But still, in general, our culture's norms are pretty nebulous. I'd love to read the sample conversation in the first chapter of an "American English as a Foreign Language" textbook.
Student A: Hey.
Student B: How's it going?
Student A: (No response needed. Discontinue eye contact and keep walking.)
So, even though I wonder why "You've really got your hands full!" became the stock phrase that everyone uses, I'll take it. I'll take the smiles, the looks of wonder, the tacit encouragement. And I'll keep assuming that "You've really got your hands full" really means "Wow! I'm impressed!" and not "Better you than me!"
I never hear "How are you feeling?" now, and at times I sort of miss those days of pregnancy, before all the concern and questions shifted to the babies. I admire women so much who eschew the medicalization of childbirth and have their babies at home, but to tell the truth, I kind of liked the hospital. Sure, they wake you up every couple of hours to check your vitals unnecessarily, but it is also the culmination of concern for you, the mom. I wanted someone to bring me meals on a tray and take away the dishes afterwards. I wanted the attention, however medicalized, of the midwives’ post-partum visits, the lactation specialists, the nurses, the pediatricians. I wanted someone to take away my babies for whatever test or shot and bring them back to me cozily swaddled and fast asleep.
Now "How are you feeling?" has been thoroughly replaced by "You really have your hands full!" That statement is so ubiquitous that you’d think by now, after over a year of hearing it on virtually every outing, I’d be sick of it. (The girls are only eleven months, but even before they were born, I was often informed "You’re really going to have your hands full!" by total strangers, as if I wasn't scared enough.) And although I am sometimes bored by the lack of originality of the comment, I never actually tire of hearing it. Partly, I think that’s because I appreciate the acknowledgement that I’m doing something that’s difficult and that others recognize that fact. When I was running my one and only marathon, I certainly never tired of hearing the cheers of complete strangers, although "Way to go!" and "You’re doing great!" are hardly any less cliche. Mostly, though, I feel grateful for the way in which my handful of kids allows people to reach out, to breach the space that separates us. Without them, every passing raises questions: make eye contact or not? say hi or not? respond to "How’s it going?" or just accept it as a rhetorical greeting? Too often it seems that we live in a society in which even a simple greeting can seem an invasion of someone’s privacy.
There used to be an assistant principal at the school where I worked who would walk right by a teacher in the halls without any kind of greeting or acknowledgement. Since my state of mind around my superiors seems to be perpetually stuck in the third grade, I felt constantly on edge around her, worrying that I was in trouble. On the other hand, my best friend in high school prided herself on unfailingly greeting passersby, whenever and wherever. She'd be neck and neck with a competitor in a cross country race and would still call out a cheerful "Hi!" if a recreational jogger happened to be passing by. Clearly, context is everything. What works in Piedmont, Alabama at a McDonalds at five in the morning wouldn't pass muster, I'm sure, on a New York City sidewalk. But still, in general, our culture's norms are pretty nebulous. I'd love to read the sample conversation in the first chapter of an "American English as a Foreign Language" textbook.
Student A: Hey.
Student B: How's it going?
Student A: (No response needed. Discontinue eye contact and keep walking.)
So, even though I wonder why "You've really got your hands full!" became the stock phrase that everyone uses, I'll take it. I'll take the smiles, the looks of wonder, the tacit encouragement. And I'll keep assuming that "You've really got your hands full" really means "Wow! I'm impressed!" and not "Better you than me!"
Thursday, October 20, 2011
20 Alternatives to "You've Got Your Hands Full!" or 20 Things I Wish I Heard on a Daily Basis
"What a beautiful family!"
"You, go, girl!"
"Oh, come on! How come you left the dog at home?"
"Let me buy you a cup of coffee!"
"Good for you for getting out!"
"I am (know) a great babysitter. Let me give you my (her/his) number!"
"Wow! I'm impressed!"
"You must feel so blessed!
"You must be tired."
"That looks like a lot of fun."
"It's a beautiful day, isn't it!"
"I hope that's easier than it looks!"
"They're so cute!"
"You look fantastic!"
"Can I help you at all?"
"I hope their dad appreciates you!"
"The hours go slow, but the years go fast!"
"So what do you do in your free time?"
"I have/had ___________________ and I thought that was a challenge!"
"I/My _______________ had twins. It got easier."
"You, go, girl!"
"Oh, come on! How come you left the dog at home?"
"Let me buy you a cup of coffee!"
"Good for you for getting out!"
"I am (know) a great babysitter. Let me give you my (her/his) number!"
"Wow! I'm impressed!"
"You must feel so blessed!
"You must be tired."
"That looks like a lot of fun."
"It's a beautiful day, isn't it!"
"I hope that's easier than it looks!"
"They're so cute!"
"You look fantastic!"
"Can I help you at all?"
"I hope their dad appreciates you!"
"The hours go slow, but the years go fast!"
"So what do you do in your free time?"
"I have/had ___________________ and I thought that was a challenge!"
"I/My _______________ had twins. It got easier."
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Snapshots
The boys are happily playing in the sandbox. Sylvia and Dee Dee are, miraculously, both napping. I go to the garage to retrieve the sand toys we took to the lake the other day. Less than a minute later I hear Townes crying on the patio. The screen door to the basement is closed, the sandbox empty. Clayton must have just gone inside, shutting Townes out. (Not on purpose, I hope? There is nothing like a closed door for making Townes cry, which Clayton well knows.) I open the door for Townes and hear Sylvia screaming. Upstairs, Clayton is standing in a puddle of pee outside her bedroom, banging on the door. I don't know whether to be angry or empathetic. Was he looking for help to use the potty or purposely making the other kids cry? I'm guessing the later, but who knows? No time to dwell on it anyway. Do I comfort the crying baby or clean up the pee seeping between the floorboards? The pee wins out. Poor Sylvie.
***
Townes says often, "Mama at work!"
Clayton wonders, Does his mama work?
"I take care of kids," I tell him again.
"You take care of me, Sylvia, Dee Dee, Townes. Do you take care of Mama?"
"I try," I tell him, laughing. "I try." Then I make a cup of tea.
***
Sylvia has been fussing all morning. She won't sleep, but won't let me put her down, either. I've tried nursing her several times, hoping she'll calm enough to go to sleep, and she's finally lying quietly. Maybe this time? I'm about to sneak out when Clayton barges through the door: "Mama! Can I come in here with you guys?" Sylvia is immediately wide awake. Is this my punishment for having gloated over how easily she once napped?
***
Some chaos or frustration I can't remember. I'm standing in the kitchen, feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of washing trays, sick of stinky diapers, sick of pushing swings, sick of negotiating naps, sick of telling stories, sick of carseats, tantrums, parks. Sick of making it look easy.
"I can't do this!" I say to myself.
Clayton looks over. "Yes, you can Mama! You can do it!"
***
Could two babies be more different? Dee Dee eats her food by the fistfuls, her tray cleared before Sylvia has finished her first careful survey, bringing the choicest morsels delicately to her mouth between thumb and finger. Dee Dee will sometimes sleep twelve, thirteen hours at a stretch; Sylvia has yet to sleep through the night and is ready for the day at quarter 'til six. Dee Dee loves the bath; Sylvia stands up on the side of the tub, sucks on a washcloth, and complains. Sylvia poops neatly on the potty twice a day; Dee Dee messes her diaper enthusiastically as often as she can. To swing makes Dee Dee laugh and kick; Sylvia is content to sit and watch as if contemplating the physics, my mother says. Dee Dee often cries when strangers get too close; Sylvia flirts and cuddles right up. But right now as they both unload the recycling bin all over the porch and play the drums on the barbecue grill and mimic each other's noises and look over at me with identical sheepishness and pride, they do not seem so different after all.
* * *
4:40 in a motel room in Piedmont, Alabama, where we've come to celebrate Don's parents' sixtieth anniversary. It doesn't matter that it's 5:40 our time, pretty par for the course for Sylvia waking. It's still darn early, pitch black outside, the stars still out and no sign of dawn. We didn't get everyone to sleep until just before midnight (or, God help us, one o'clock our time) and my nipples feel raw and my breasts deflated from trying endlessly-- or so it felt-- to nurse the girls to sleep after their brother got them pretty well jazzed up with his late night "happy jollies" (as my brother-in-law calls the after bed-time, over-tired, frenzied energy surge). Now said brother is lying, amazingly still asleep, on the floor between the two queen beds. He fell out of bed in the middle of the night but didn't wake up, so I just left him where he lay. Now I'm anxious to get the girls quiet. Two weeks ago when we went camping, an over-tired Clayton meant for a very rough next day and I'd hate for Clay's grumpiness to mar Don's parents' celebration. So I scoop up the girls-- Sylvia has managed to wake Dee Dee, who usually sleeps until after seven-- and go out to the car. I've pulled on some shorts but I'm still in my pyjama top-- I'm pretty sure I've got a sweatshirt in the car. The girls are still in their nighttime diapers, but, darn it, the diaper bag's back in the room! I don't dare go back inside for fear of waking Clayton. Still, they've only had them on for a few hours, I tell myself.
There's not much happening in Piedmont, Alabama at five on a Saturday morning. We creep aimlessly down the deserted highway and pass a McDonalds. It's open! The girls stuff themselves on pancakes while I sip coffee. Afterwards, they play happily with the butter patty packages and I start a letter to my sister on an old notepad I find in the car. This is not the selflessness Buddha talks of; I'm not on my way to nirvana. But still, dragging myself out of bed and to McDonalds at five o'clock in the morning after fewer than five not-very-restful hours sleep-- it's a lesson in something. The girls make everyone smile-- this McDonalds is happening-- and soon all the regulars are talking about twins over their McMuffins and 39 cent senior coffees. It may not be nirvana, but it's a moment I'll remember, a little piece of unexpected joy. We could be a McDonalds' commercial. Can you forgive me? I really am lovin' it.
* * *
We're headed to the library. I'm carrying Sylvia down the stairs to the garage, Townes and Clayton on my heels. Dee Dee is in the living room, waiting her turn, the gate closed at the top of the stairs. I put Sylvia in the car and hear Clayton yelling, Dee Dee crying. I rush back past Townes and see Dee Dee and Clayton at the top of the stairs. Clayton has somehow managed to push the gate open, and Dee Dee, ever alert for an opportunity, is determined to head down, too. She's crying because Clayton has hold of her by the back of the shirt, grimacing with the effort to hold her back, yelling, "No, Dee Dee, no!"
***
We're at the park-- Clayton has been swinging for half an hour. Time to leave for storytime if we're going to make it. Plus, there's a little girl who wants the swing. Two more minutes, I tell him, and then, "Okay, time to go and let the little girl have a turn."
"I don't want to go!"
He won't be persuaded to give up the swing willingly, so I end up wrestling him out of it. That's not an easy task even when he's cooperating, since he's really too big for the baby swing he insists on using and his feet always get stuck. Now he's hanging on for dear life with both hands and feet. Still, I'm determined not to let him get his way, and finally, he's out. His screams are deafening, and the girl's mom looks concerned.
"It's not the swing," I reassure her. "He's just having a hard morning." I'm not sure she can hear me, though.
"I want to go that way!" Clayton yells. "I want to stay here!"
Back at the car, I manhandle him into his seat--"I don't want to go! I don't want to go!" -- and we drive by the library so I can at least return the books. There's no way we're doing storytime. All the way home, he screams. " I don't want to go!" turns into "I want to go to the library!" and then "Turn that off!" (I'm trying to listen to the radio.) His screams break a little with the violence of a yawn. I drive around the block, hoping for a miracle nap. Nothing. I'm dreading the next hour, trying to get everyone up the stairs, fed, diapered, to bed. But the storm passes and in a few minutes the boys are eating the hard-boiled eggs I'd made for our post-storytime picnic and last night's left-over noodles. There has never been a smoother quiet time, and I sit on the back porch and eat two pieces of cheese toast with our garden's end-of-the-season tomatoes and read my sister's letter. It is an idyllic fall day, the leaves all golden around me, the sky brilliantly blue after yesterday's rain. Sylvia's playing happily under the table, pulling up on my leg. Did the universe know how much I needed this?
* * *
That afternoon. All the kids are up from naps or "quiet time" by two o'clock. (Clayton, unbelievably, still did not sleep!) Don has a cross country race so I'm on my own until after seven. The morning, I feel, needs to be redeemed and it is so so beautiful. "Let's go to the river!" I say. Never mind that last time was a disaster, the boys fighting over who got to ride in the stroller, me literally pinning Clayton down in a time-out on the side of the greenway for pushing Townes. This time, I think, I'll bring the triple stroller, so, with one on my back, they can all ride if it comes to that. I didn't foresee Clayton tantrumming, yet again, about which seat he will ride in. But even he seems to have little stomach left for his own bad temper today and eventually acquiesces to ride in the front where he won't squish Townes' legs. We are a sight, I'm sure. Three kids in the stroller, Dee Dee on my back. I have the same sort of jubilant, self-sufficient feeling I used to get while backpacking, carrying everything I needed to survive on my back. I'm singing, "The Wheels on the Stroller" and any other song I can think of to keep from hearing Clayton beg, "Tell me about a story!" We make it to the playground only half a dozen "You really have your hands full!"s later. Townes, Clayton, and Dee Dee are all in the swings, Sylvia's practicing her downward dog in the mulch and playing with my water bottle. I'm making up silly rhymes: "Sylvie, Sylvie, you're my daughter, standing on your head to drink some water" and we're all giggling. Later, Dee Dee climbs up the stairs to the slide by herself and grins like crazy. She is so proud of herself and my heart feels about to burst that I get to be here for this.
* * *
Recently Clayton has been begging non-stop for stories, of which he wants to dictate the plot lines and characters. They all involve a friend of his, who, in his stories, is constantly getting thwarted and left out. She wants to ride a bicycle, the wheels fall off. She goes fishing, the fish eats her up. ("What does she say in the fish's mouth?" Clayton asks.) She wants to play with Clayton, Clayton goes home. She meets a lion, monkey, zebra, you name it, and they all do something mean to her or leave her out in some way. "What does she say?" he keeps wanting to know. "What does she say?"
At first, I let him play them out, a little fascinated. What inner emotion (maybe about his sisters, my sister-in-law wondered?) was he trying to get a handle on through these cruel stories? But by yesterday, I'd had enough. Talking to Don about it last night, I resolved to put a stop to them. So today on the way to school I told him, "I'm only going to tell you three stories today. And there's not going to be about Jessica." (Name has been changed!)
"What do the animals do?" he wants to know.
"They're mean to her," I tell him, "and we're not going to talk about it anymore."
He seems almost relieved. "Let's just look around," he says, although it sounds like "Let's just ook around."
"Good idea!" I say. "Look at all the beautiful leaves!"
"And the trees!" he says enthusiastically. "And the pretty flowers!" Hallelujah! I might just make it through today!
***
Townes says often, "Mama at work!"
Clayton wonders, Does his mama work?
"I take care of kids," I tell him again.
"You take care of me, Sylvia, Dee Dee, Townes. Do you take care of Mama?"
"I try," I tell him, laughing. "I try." Then I make a cup of tea.
***
Sylvia has been fussing all morning. She won't sleep, but won't let me put her down, either. I've tried nursing her several times, hoping she'll calm enough to go to sleep, and she's finally lying quietly. Maybe this time? I'm about to sneak out when Clayton barges through the door: "Mama! Can I come in here with you guys?" Sylvia is immediately wide awake. Is this my punishment for having gloated over how easily she once napped?
***
Some chaos or frustration I can't remember. I'm standing in the kitchen, feeling sorry for myself. I'm sick of washing trays, sick of stinky diapers, sick of pushing swings, sick of negotiating naps, sick of telling stories, sick of carseats, tantrums, parks. Sick of making it look easy.
"I can't do this!" I say to myself.
Clayton looks over. "Yes, you can Mama! You can do it!"
***
Could two babies be more different? Dee Dee eats her food by the fistfuls, her tray cleared before Sylvia has finished her first careful survey, bringing the choicest morsels delicately to her mouth between thumb and finger. Dee Dee will sometimes sleep twelve, thirteen hours at a stretch; Sylvia has yet to sleep through the night and is ready for the day at quarter 'til six. Dee Dee loves the bath; Sylvia stands up on the side of the tub, sucks on a washcloth, and complains. Sylvia poops neatly on the potty twice a day; Dee Dee messes her diaper enthusiastically as often as she can. To swing makes Dee Dee laugh and kick; Sylvia is content to sit and watch as if contemplating the physics, my mother says. Dee Dee often cries when strangers get too close; Sylvia flirts and cuddles right up. But right now as they both unload the recycling bin all over the porch and play the drums on the barbecue grill and mimic each other's noises and look over at me with identical sheepishness and pride, they do not seem so different after all.
* * *
4:40 in a motel room in Piedmont, Alabama, where we've come to celebrate Don's parents' sixtieth anniversary. It doesn't matter that it's 5:40 our time, pretty par for the course for Sylvia waking. It's still darn early, pitch black outside, the stars still out and no sign of dawn. We didn't get everyone to sleep until just before midnight (or, God help us, one o'clock our time) and my nipples feel raw and my breasts deflated from trying endlessly-- or so it felt-- to nurse the girls to sleep after their brother got them pretty well jazzed up with his late night "happy jollies" (as my brother-in-law calls the after bed-time, over-tired, frenzied energy surge). Now said brother is lying, amazingly still asleep, on the floor between the two queen beds. He fell out of bed in the middle of the night but didn't wake up, so I just left him where he lay. Now I'm anxious to get the girls quiet. Two weeks ago when we went camping, an over-tired Clayton meant for a very rough next day and I'd hate for Clay's grumpiness to mar Don's parents' celebration. So I scoop up the girls-- Sylvia has managed to wake Dee Dee, who usually sleeps until after seven-- and go out to the car. I've pulled on some shorts but I'm still in my pyjama top-- I'm pretty sure I've got a sweatshirt in the car. The girls are still in their nighttime diapers, but, darn it, the diaper bag's back in the room! I don't dare go back inside for fear of waking Clayton. Still, they've only had them on for a few hours, I tell myself.
There's not much happening in Piedmont, Alabama at five on a Saturday morning. We creep aimlessly down the deserted highway and pass a McDonalds. It's open! The girls stuff themselves on pancakes while I sip coffee. Afterwards, they play happily with the butter patty packages and I start a letter to my sister on an old notepad I find in the car. This is not the selflessness Buddha talks of; I'm not on my way to nirvana. But still, dragging myself out of bed and to McDonalds at five o'clock in the morning after fewer than five not-very-restful hours sleep-- it's a lesson in something. The girls make everyone smile-- this McDonalds is happening-- and soon all the regulars are talking about twins over their McMuffins and 39 cent senior coffees. It may not be nirvana, but it's a moment I'll remember, a little piece of unexpected joy. We could be a McDonalds' commercial. Can you forgive me? I really am lovin' it.
* * *
We're headed to the library. I'm carrying Sylvia down the stairs to the garage, Townes and Clayton on my heels. Dee Dee is in the living room, waiting her turn, the gate closed at the top of the stairs. I put Sylvia in the car and hear Clayton yelling, Dee Dee crying. I rush back past Townes and see Dee Dee and Clayton at the top of the stairs. Clayton has somehow managed to push the gate open, and Dee Dee, ever alert for an opportunity, is determined to head down, too. She's crying because Clayton has hold of her by the back of the shirt, grimacing with the effort to hold her back, yelling, "No, Dee Dee, no!"
***
We're at the park-- Clayton has been swinging for half an hour. Time to leave for storytime if we're going to make it. Plus, there's a little girl who wants the swing. Two more minutes, I tell him, and then, "Okay, time to go and let the little girl have a turn."
"I don't want to go!"
He won't be persuaded to give up the swing willingly, so I end up wrestling him out of it. That's not an easy task even when he's cooperating, since he's really too big for the baby swing he insists on using and his feet always get stuck. Now he's hanging on for dear life with both hands and feet. Still, I'm determined not to let him get his way, and finally, he's out. His screams are deafening, and the girl's mom looks concerned.
"It's not the swing," I reassure her. "He's just having a hard morning." I'm not sure she can hear me, though.
"I want to go that way!" Clayton yells. "I want to stay here!"
Back at the car, I manhandle him into his seat--"I don't want to go! I don't want to go!" -- and we drive by the library so I can at least return the books. There's no way we're doing storytime. All the way home, he screams. " I don't want to go!" turns into "I want to go to the library!" and then "Turn that off!" (I'm trying to listen to the radio.) His screams break a little with the violence of a yawn. I drive around the block, hoping for a miracle nap. Nothing. I'm dreading the next hour, trying to get everyone up the stairs, fed, diapered, to bed. But the storm passes and in a few minutes the boys are eating the hard-boiled eggs I'd made for our post-storytime picnic and last night's left-over noodles. There has never been a smoother quiet time, and I sit on the back porch and eat two pieces of cheese toast with our garden's end-of-the-season tomatoes and read my sister's letter. It is an idyllic fall day, the leaves all golden around me, the sky brilliantly blue after yesterday's rain. Sylvia's playing happily under the table, pulling up on my leg. Did the universe know how much I needed this?
* * *
That afternoon. All the kids are up from naps or "quiet time" by two o'clock. (Clayton, unbelievably, still did not sleep!) Don has a cross country race so I'm on my own until after seven. The morning, I feel, needs to be redeemed and it is so so beautiful. "Let's go to the river!" I say. Never mind that last time was a disaster, the boys fighting over who got to ride in the stroller, me literally pinning Clayton down in a time-out on the side of the greenway for pushing Townes. This time, I think, I'll bring the triple stroller, so, with one on my back, they can all ride if it comes to that. I didn't foresee Clayton tantrumming, yet again, about which seat he will ride in. But even he seems to have little stomach left for his own bad temper today and eventually acquiesces to ride in the front where he won't squish Townes' legs. We are a sight, I'm sure. Three kids in the stroller, Dee Dee on my back. I have the same sort of jubilant, self-sufficient feeling I used to get while backpacking, carrying everything I needed to survive on my back. I'm singing, "The Wheels on the Stroller" and any other song I can think of to keep from hearing Clayton beg, "Tell me about a story!" We make it to the playground only half a dozen "You really have your hands full!"s later. Townes, Clayton, and Dee Dee are all in the swings, Sylvia's practicing her downward dog in the mulch and playing with my water bottle. I'm making up silly rhymes: "Sylvie, Sylvie, you're my daughter, standing on your head to drink some water" and we're all giggling. Later, Dee Dee climbs up the stairs to the slide by herself and grins like crazy. She is so proud of herself and my heart feels about to burst that I get to be here for this.
* * *
Recently Clayton has been begging non-stop for stories, of which he wants to dictate the plot lines and characters. They all involve a friend of his, who, in his stories, is constantly getting thwarted and left out. She wants to ride a bicycle, the wheels fall off. She goes fishing, the fish eats her up. ("What does she say in the fish's mouth?" Clayton asks.) She wants to play with Clayton, Clayton goes home. She meets a lion, monkey, zebra, you name it, and they all do something mean to her or leave her out in some way. "What does she say?" he keeps wanting to know. "What does she say?"
At first, I let him play them out, a little fascinated. What inner emotion (maybe about his sisters, my sister-in-law wondered?) was he trying to get a handle on through these cruel stories? But by yesterday, I'd had enough. Talking to Don about it last night, I resolved to put a stop to them. So today on the way to school I told him, "I'm only going to tell you three stories today. And there's not going to be about Jessica." (Name has been changed!)
"What do the animals do?" he wants to know.
"They're mean to her," I tell him, "and we're not going to talk about it anymore."
He seems almost relieved. "Let's just look around," he says, although it sounds like "Let's just ook around."
"Good idea!" I say. "Look at all the beautiful leaves!"
"And the trees!" he says enthusiastically. "And the pretty flowers!" Hallelujah! I might just make it through today!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Whatever Works
A friend of mine with a newborn baby told me recently of her struggles to get her daughter to sleep. The baby, she said, would fall asleep while nursing, but, unless deeply asleep, would wake up if she tried to move or lay the baby down. I had two very strong reactions to hearing this. One was to thank my lucky stars that my girls nap more readily than that. Dee Dee is a piece of cake, and Sylvia, although resistant at times, requires nowhere near that kind of attention. Thank God, because I couldn't give it to her, even if she did. I barely have time to pat her back for ten seconds while shooing Townes out of the room with my other hand.
My other reaction was pure empathy. How I hated nap time with Clayton! Only three more years until he won't need a nap, I calculated on a daily basis. I planned my day-- car rides, walks, runs-- to coordinate with nap times, stressed myself out over his endless screaming, nursed him until my nipples hurt, kicked myself when he fell off the bed after I'd nursed him to sleep there and didn't have the courage to move him. And all the while, I felt guilty, as if his difficulty sleeping was my fault, a "problem" I hadn't figured out how to "fix." And no wonder, really. My bookshelves were full of books passed on by other mothers: The No-Cry Sleep Solution, Fixing Your Child's Sleep Problems. Everywhere I turned, I heard well-meaning advice, most of which served only to make me feel that I wasn't doing it "right." I felt heartless if I let him cry and spineless if I didn't. I worried that the naps I coaxed out of him in the jogging stroller didn't "count," akin, as one author wrote, to an adult sleeping on an airplane. (That book, I think, should be banned, until airplane seats are like comfy hammocks that cradle your entire body, with fresh air and passing scenery.)
With a few years' perspective under my belt, and more experience mothering infants than I ever anticipated, I want to write my own parenting-advice book. Ironic, really, since the only advice I'd ever allow myself to give to new mothers is to avoid parenting books at all cost. Still, if I did write a book, I would call it Whatever Works. Does your baby only fall asleep at the breast? Read a lot and sleep yourself and don't feel guilty! Does your baby only sleep in the stroller? Go for a lot of walks and don't feel guilty! Does your baby need a destination-less car ride? Enjoy the scenery, park in a shady spot with a good book (maybe donate a few extra bucks to the Sierra Club?) and don't feel guilty. (I struggled with writing that last phrase for a good long while, because even now, when I extend our trip home around the neighborhood, praying that the few extra miles will miraculously make Clayton take the nap that he has all but given up, I still feel guilty.)
But even as I mentally compose the book jacket summary for my imaginary Whatever Works book, I wonder just how far that philosphy really goes. The other day after we had been to toddler gymnastics, Clayton refused to get in his car seat for the drive home. The other kids were all buckled in, but he was obstinately climbing around in the van. I could sense him gearing up for a real power struggle, one that would inevitably end with me physically pinning him down while I buckled him in, a technique that was getting harder as he fast approached (or topped?) forty pounds and which made for a very tearful (and loud) car ride home. But, as he climbed between his sisters to the front seat, he spied an almost empty bag of M&Ms on the console. They had worked so well during potty training that I had tried them a few days before as an incentive for "going to school happy" since his sobs of "Don't leave me, Momma!" and "I don't want to go!" were wearing me down.
Now he said, "I want an M&M."
"M&Ms are for good boys who listen to their Mamas and get in their seats," I told him.
Within seconds he was buckled in and we were happily on our way, a tantrum averted by one blue M&M. Whatever works, I thought, and truly I did not feel guilty about that particular candy bribe. But the incident reminded me that my "whatever works" philosophy did not, could not, extend indefinitely. I am not above using the grocery store's offer of "free popcorn for kids" to get us through the aisles in one piece; one too many poops in the backyard convinced us to up the ante for pooping on the potty to half a mini ice-cream sandwich. But neither am I willing to make food-- even one measly M&M-- a "get out of a tantrum free" card, especially since I know enough about almost-three-year-olds now to accept that tantrums are like sneezes (or maybe more accurately, but indelicately, farts): you can try to put them off but they're bound to happen anyway. Watching a movie on a rainy Saturday morning is fine once in a while, but I never want to live in a household, never mind run one, in which television becomes the easy answer to "Momma, I want to do something!"
Anyway, part of the satisfaction of parenting, I think, comes from holding the line. When Clayton is sobbing violently about wanting to watch "just one more video," what he really wants, ultimately, is to know that his hysterics, no matter how theatrical or extreme, are not going to change the limit I have set. In this way, raising kids is not so different from running a high school classroom. It turns out toddlers and teenagers both want to know what the "rules" are, and make it their job to test them, just to make sure you know, too. That Clayton ultimately appreciates that I didn't let him watch "just one more" I find out for sure at dinner, when he tells his dad about his day.
"It was time to turn the videos off, and I wanted to watch one more and I cried, "Wa, wa, wa!" and I had to go to my room," he reports cheerfully.
"And did you get to watch one more?" his dad asks.
"No, I didn't," he says matter-of-factly, as if it were a stupid question. "It was time to turn them off."
So, I guess "whatever works" only goes so far. I was more than happy to let the girls sleep in their carseats, instead of their cribs, for the first six months of their lives. People raised their eyebrows, but, hell, it worked for us. They slept well and we could easily move them around the house to "shove binkies" and jiggle them to sleep, while still managing to cook dinner, play with Clayton, or even watch an occasional episode of The West Wing. But if we always took the path of least resistance with Clayton, we'd have a dirty-haired, grubby-handed, M&M-eating video addict who poops standing up by the fish pond and smears play dough all over the coffee table while standing on his sisters' heads for a son. (In addition to our mulch-eating daughters.)
I suppose parenting involves a gradual shift from "whatever works" to something else, something harder and more complicated that I haven't yet found an alliterative catch-phrase to describe. I do know that now that Sylvia's waking up numerous times a night again, I'm just going to nurse her without feeling guilty, without wondering if I'm perpetuating her wakefulness by "rewarding" her with milk every time she cries, without trying to "fix" it. Because, ultimately, all these months without an uninterrupted night's sleep are just a blip, just a fleeting moment in the span of her life and of ours. There will be time enough to wonder if I'm doing it right soon enough. For now I'm treasuring doing whatever works.
My other reaction was pure empathy. How I hated nap time with Clayton! Only three more years until he won't need a nap, I calculated on a daily basis. I planned my day-- car rides, walks, runs-- to coordinate with nap times, stressed myself out over his endless screaming, nursed him until my nipples hurt, kicked myself when he fell off the bed after I'd nursed him to sleep there and didn't have the courage to move him. And all the while, I felt guilty, as if his difficulty sleeping was my fault, a "problem" I hadn't figured out how to "fix." And no wonder, really. My bookshelves were full of books passed on by other mothers: The No-Cry Sleep Solution, Fixing Your Child's Sleep Problems. Everywhere I turned, I heard well-meaning advice, most of which served only to make me feel that I wasn't doing it "right." I felt heartless if I let him cry and spineless if I didn't. I worried that the naps I coaxed out of him in the jogging stroller didn't "count," akin, as one author wrote, to an adult sleeping on an airplane. (That book, I think, should be banned, until airplane seats are like comfy hammocks that cradle your entire body, with fresh air and passing scenery.)
With a few years' perspective under my belt, and more experience mothering infants than I ever anticipated, I want to write my own parenting-advice book. Ironic, really, since the only advice I'd ever allow myself to give to new mothers is to avoid parenting books at all cost. Still, if I did write a book, I would call it Whatever Works. Does your baby only fall asleep at the breast? Read a lot and sleep yourself and don't feel guilty! Does your baby only sleep in the stroller? Go for a lot of walks and don't feel guilty! Does your baby need a destination-less car ride? Enjoy the scenery, park in a shady spot with a good book (maybe donate a few extra bucks to the Sierra Club?) and don't feel guilty. (I struggled with writing that last phrase for a good long while, because even now, when I extend our trip home around the neighborhood, praying that the few extra miles will miraculously make Clayton take the nap that he has all but given up, I still feel guilty.)
But even as I mentally compose the book jacket summary for my imaginary Whatever Works book, I wonder just how far that philosphy really goes. The other day after we had been to toddler gymnastics, Clayton refused to get in his car seat for the drive home. The other kids were all buckled in, but he was obstinately climbing around in the van. I could sense him gearing up for a real power struggle, one that would inevitably end with me physically pinning him down while I buckled him in, a technique that was getting harder as he fast approached (or topped?) forty pounds and which made for a very tearful (and loud) car ride home. But, as he climbed between his sisters to the front seat, he spied an almost empty bag of M&Ms on the console. They had worked so well during potty training that I had tried them a few days before as an incentive for "going to school happy" since his sobs of "Don't leave me, Momma!" and "I don't want to go!" were wearing me down.
Now he said, "I want an M&M."
"M&Ms are for good boys who listen to their Mamas and get in their seats," I told him.
Within seconds he was buckled in and we were happily on our way, a tantrum averted by one blue M&M. Whatever works, I thought, and truly I did not feel guilty about that particular candy bribe. But the incident reminded me that my "whatever works" philosophy did not, could not, extend indefinitely. I am not above using the grocery store's offer of "free popcorn for kids" to get us through the aisles in one piece; one too many poops in the backyard convinced us to up the ante for pooping on the potty to half a mini ice-cream sandwich. But neither am I willing to make food-- even one measly M&M-- a "get out of a tantrum free" card, especially since I know enough about almost-three-year-olds now to accept that tantrums are like sneezes (or maybe more accurately, but indelicately, farts): you can try to put them off but they're bound to happen anyway. Watching a movie on a rainy Saturday morning is fine once in a while, but I never want to live in a household, never mind run one, in which television becomes the easy answer to "Momma, I want to do something!"
Anyway, part of the satisfaction of parenting, I think, comes from holding the line. When Clayton is sobbing violently about wanting to watch "just one more video," what he really wants, ultimately, is to know that his hysterics, no matter how theatrical or extreme, are not going to change the limit I have set. In this way, raising kids is not so different from running a high school classroom. It turns out toddlers and teenagers both want to know what the "rules" are, and make it their job to test them, just to make sure you know, too. That Clayton ultimately appreciates that I didn't let him watch "just one more" I find out for sure at dinner, when he tells his dad about his day.
"It was time to turn the videos off, and I wanted to watch one more and I cried, "Wa, wa, wa!" and I had to go to my room," he reports cheerfully.
"And did you get to watch one more?" his dad asks.
"No, I didn't," he says matter-of-factly, as if it were a stupid question. "It was time to turn them off."
So, I guess "whatever works" only goes so far. I was more than happy to let the girls sleep in their carseats, instead of their cribs, for the first six months of their lives. People raised their eyebrows, but, hell, it worked for us. They slept well and we could easily move them around the house to "shove binkies" and jiggle them to sleep, while still managing to cook dinner, play with Clayton, or even watch an occasional episode of The West Wing. But if we always took the path of least resistance with Clayton, we'd have a dirty-haired, grubby-handed, M&M-eating video addict who poops standing up by the fish pond and smears play dough all over the coffee table while standing on his sisters' heads for a son. (In addition to our mulch-eating daughters.)
I suppose parenting involves a gradual shift from "whatever works" to something else, something harder and more complicated that I haven't yet found an alliterative catch-phrase to describe. I do know that now that Sylvia's waking up numerous times a night again, I'm just going to nurse her without feeling guilty, without wondering if I'm perpetuating her wakefulness by "rewarding" her with milk every time she cries, without trying to "fix" it. Because, ultimately, all these months without an uninterrupted night's sleep are just a blip, just a fleeting moment in the span of her life and of ours. There will be time enough to wonder if I'm doing it right soon enough. For now I'm treasuring doing whatever works.
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